Let Me Tell You Something About Depression...

   Lately I have been feeling very prompted to write something straightforward about living with depression. I always hesitate to talk about this subject. I never want people to worry about me, pity me, label me, or feel that I am always complaining about my life. There will always be those people who just won't understand, not because they are rude, but because they just cannot fathom feeling so low. I am jealous of these people. I wish I did not have this deep understanding of darkness, but everyone has their own trials. This just happens to be mine, so I shouldn't have to keep such a big part of my life so hidden.

   The best way I can describe living with depression is "the hole". On my worst days I literally feel like there's a hole in me. A big, gaping one right in the middle of my chest. I feel like I have to curl myself into a ball and cover it to make sure my insides don't fall out. It's the weirdest thing.

   Sometimes I feel so exhausted that breathing is hard. That I consciously have to keep filling my lungs with air because my body won't do it on it's own. But that's the only thing I feel like I can handle in that moment. It hurts to even think about moving your body out of bed.

   Sometimes I feel so numb and it's scary. In my opinion this is the worst part of depression. There comes a point where you just start not caring. You don't feel happy, but you don't feel sad. You don't feel anything and you're kind of just there. Like you're just taking up space. That's the worst because nothing matters. Failing grades? Whatever. Your health? Ehh. Losing friends? It was bound to happen anyway. I would take the feeling of complete sadness or complete heartache a million times over feeling numb. It's better to feel something than nothing at all.

   I'm not sharing all this because I want to depress you or to try to get people to feel bad for me. The purpose of this is that I want you to know that even this pain passes. It really does. Of course, it may come and go. And during a low day you might not ever think that things will be different because it is so hard to see past misery when it forms all around you in a thick, black haze. But you're whole life will not be darkness. There are too many great things in this world to see, to do, and to love to always be sad. And the more things you see, do, and love, the less time you have to dwell on your depression. Yes, it may always be there. You may always have to take anti-depressants or you may have to go to therapy every week until you're gray, but happiness is so possible.

   I promise that the hardest part about living with depression is telling someone. It takes a lot of courage and recovery takes work. But it is the most rewarding thing. The first good day after a period of numbness is like a breath of fresh air. You finally feel like you can stop forcing a half smile and happiness starts coming naturally again. Feeling that on top of the world makes all that hard work feel so worth it. Just like sadness, happiness does not last forever. I encourage you to journal a lot in these happy moments. Make a list of reasons to live, or jot down some little things that just make you happy. Because if another bad day happens to pop up out of the blue, you have something to remind you how possible it is to feel good again. And remember that people want to help, so let them. No one can do life alone, even if depression is something they don't have to deal with.

:)