Tonight, after a fairly decent night at work, I was fortunate enough to get to go stargazing with some great friends. We drove around til we found a nice spot to lay and spent the rest of the time marveling at the beautiful night sky. Stargazing is one of my all time favorite activities. I fell in love with it my first year at girl's camp, when my leader took us out to an open field and taught us about different constellations. That night we discussed everything from the sky to the mysteries of God. It was such an uplifting experience for me. In high school, my friends and I would make stargazing a weekly thing. It was always such a great opportunity to get to have heart to hearts with my friends or just to get to know them better. Even if I am alone I love to just ponder and feel the connection with the universe. I find it so amazing how we are just so tiny in the great span of things. If I could just sleep under the stars forever, I would.
-B :)
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Reason #30 - Movies
So, I'm not the most avid movie junky. Every once in awhile I will spend the $7 to see a movie in the theaters, but otherwise I have a very difficult time sitting for 2 or 3 hours. But often in college, we have trouble finding different things to do every night. So we usually end up just watching movies. I just find it so interesting how you can be so moved, laugh so hard, and feel so deeply in just a few short hours. The creativity that some directors posses just amazes me. How lucky we are to be able to set aside some time to just relax and have a story unfold right before us.
Some of my favorites:
Saving Private Ryan
Dumb and Dumber
Django Unchained
The Other Woman
Silver Linings Playbook
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Forrest Gump
Anchorman
Beauty and the Beast
Harry Potter
Captain America
-B :)
Monday, August 25, 2014
Let Me Tell You Something About Depression...
Lately I have been feeling very prompted to write something straightforward about living with depression. I always hesitate to talk about this subject. I never want people to worry about me, pity me, label me, or feel that I am always complaining about my life. There will always be those people who just won't understand, not because they are rude, but because they just cannot fathom feeling so low. I am jealous of these people. I wish I did not have this deep understanding of darkness, but everyone has their own trials. This just happens to be mine, so I shouldn't have to keep such a big part of my life so hidden.
The best way I can describe living with depression is "the hole". On my worst days I literally feel like there's a hole in me. A big, gaping one right in the middle of my chest. I feel like I have to curl myself into a ball and cover it to make sure my insides don't fall out. It's the weirdest thing.
Sometimes I feel so exhausted that breathing is hard. That I consciously have to keep filling my lungs with air because my body won't do it on it's own. But that's the only thing I feel like I can handle in that moment. It hurts to even think about moving your body out of bed.
Sometimes I feel so numb and it's scary. In my opinion this is the worst part of depression. There comes a point where you just start not caring. You don't feel happy, but you don't feel sad. You don't feel anything and you're kind of just there. Like you're just taking up space. That's the worst because nothing matters. Failing grades? Whatever. Your health? Ehh. Losing friends? It was bound to happen anyway. I would take the feeling of complete sadness or complete heartache a million times over feeling numb. It's better to feel something than nothing at all.
I'm not sharing all this because I want to depress you or to try to get people to feel bad for me. The purpose of this is that I want you to know that even this pain passes. It really does. Of course, it may come and go. And during a low day you might not ever think that things will be different because it is so hard to see past misery when it forms all around you in a thick, black haze. But you're whole life will not be darkness. There are too many great things in this world to see, to do, and to love to always be sad. And the more things you see, do, and love, the less time you have to dwell on your depression. Yes, it may always be there. You may always have to take anti-depressants or you may have to go to therapy every week until you're gray, but happiness is so possible.
I promise that the hardest part about living with depression is telling someone. It takes a lot of courage and recovery takes work. But it is the most rewarding thing. The first good day after a period of numbness is like a breath of fresh air. You finally feel like you can stop forcing a half smile and happiness starts coming naturally again. Feeling that on top of the world makes all that hard work feel so worth it. Just like sadness, happiness does not last forever. I encourage you to journal a lot in these happy moments. Make a list of reasons to live, or jot down some little things that just make you happy. Because if another bad day happens to pop up out of the blue, you have something to remind you how possible it is to feel good again. And remember that people want to help, so let them. No one can do life alone, even if depression is something they don't have to deal with.
:)
The best way I can describe living with depression is "the hole". On my worst days I literally feel like there's a hole in me. A big, gaping one right in the middle of my chest. I feel like I have to curl myself into a ball and cover it to make sure my insides don't fall out. It's the weirdest thing.
Sometimes I feel so exhausted that breathing is hard. That I consciously have to keep filling my lungs with air because my body won't do it on it's own. But that's the only thing I feel like I can handle in that moment. It hurts to even think about moving your body out of bed.
Sometimes I feel so numb and it's scary. In my opinion this is the worst part of depression. There comes a point where you just start not caring. You don't feel happy, but you don't feel sad. You don't feel anything and you're kind of just there. Like you're just taking up space. That's the worst because nothing matters. Failing grades? Whatever. Your health? Ehh. Losing friends? It was bound to happen anyway. I would take the feeling of complete sadness or complete heartache a million times over feeling numb. It's better to feel something than nothing at all.
I'm not sharing all this because I want to depress you or to try to get people to feel bad for me. The purpose of this is that I want you to know that even this pain passes. It really does. Of course, it may come and go. And during a low day you might not ever think that things will be different because it is so hard to see past misery when it forms all around you in a thick, black haze. But you're whole life will not be darkness. There are too many great things in this world to see, to do, and to love to always be sad. And the more things you see, do, and love, the less time you have to dwell on your depression. Yes, it may always be there. You may always have to take anti-depressants or you may have to go to therapy every week until you're gray, but happiness is so possible.
I promise that the hardest part about living with depression is telling someone. It takes a lot of courage and recovery takes work. But it is the most rewarding thing. The first good day after a period of numbness is like a breath of fresh air. You finally feel like you can stop forcing a half smile and happiness starts coming naturally again. Feeling that on top of the world makes all that hard work feel so worth it. Just like sadness, happiness does not last forever. I encourage you to journal a lot in these happy moments. Make a list of reasons to live, or jot down some little things that just make you happy. Because if another bad day happens to pop up out of the blue, you have something to remind you how possible it is to feel good again. And remember that people want to help, so let them. No one can do life alone, even if depression is something they don't have to deal with.
:)
Reason #29 - Work and Charity
Something that always makes me feel better is throwing myself right into something. I recently started working two different jobs - a survey call center and a clothing store. I'll let you guess which one is the more enjoyable. But even if these jobs aren't what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, I feel so blessed to be able to have jobs. I feel so much better when I leave the house and step into work, knowing that there are people who are counting on me to complete a task. It makes me feel needed, which is something that everyone desires. In a way, I feel like I am making my own tiny, little difference in the world. And I'm not just sitting on my couch feeling sorry for myself, so that's a plus.
No matter who you are, doing service or charity work will always improve your mood. One of my favorite quotes is, "We rise by lifting others." I believe in this 100%. In high school I volunteered at a camp for people with physical and mental disabilities. I can honestly say that this was one of the best experiences of my life. There is nothing like bringing joy and friendship to someone who needs it. There are 7 billion people on this earth and every single one of them deserves to be cared for. Every. Single. One. I wish I could split myself up 7 billion different ways so that I can give every individual person the love and attention that they deserve. But even if I can't do that, it's enough just to make one person's day. People need people. It's so important to be someone who has an open heart and to constantly be there for others. You do not know what is going on in another's life or what they might be struggling with. Make life a little easier for someone by just being nice. It really is that simple. And when you throw yourself into work or charity, you don't have time to dwell on things that make you sad. :)
- B
No matter who you are, doing service or charity work will always improve your mood. One of my favorite quotes is, "We rise by lifting others." I believe in this 100%. In high school I volunteered at a camp for people with physical and mental disabilities. I can honestly say that this was one of the best experiences of my life. There is nothing like bringing joy and friendship to someone who needs it. There are 7 billion people on this earth and every single one of them deserves to be cared for. Every. Single. One. I wish I could split myself up 7 billion different ways so that I can give every individual person the love and attention that they deserve. But even if I can't do that, it's enough just to make one person's day. People need people. It's so important to be someone who has an open heart and to constantly be there for others. You do not know what is going on in another's life or what they might be struggling with. Make life a little easier for someone by just being nice. It really is that simple. And when you throw yourself into work or charity, you don't have time to dwell on things that make you sad. :)
- B
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Reason #28 - Summer
I am having one of the best summers of my life. I am living 1800 miles away from home and it's very different than a summer at home. It's strange being on my own schedule. I don't have to babysit all day or have to be home at a certain time. Everything is my choice and it is liberating. I miss home and my family a lot, but I am slowly falling in love with Rexburg and all the friends that I have here. It feels great to be working for myself and living for myself. I feel like this is one of the only times in life where you can get away with being a little bit selfish, when you're trying to make something out of yourself.
Even before I moved away from home I always loved summers. Late nights and friends make it all worthwhile. I may not get much sleep, but at least I'm having fun... right?
I love summer and feeling free.
-B
Even before I moved away from home I always loved summers. Late nights and friends make it all worthwhile. I may not get much sleep, but at least I'm having fun... right?
Just some summer antics:
1. Grim eating a raw potato... because Idaho so why not?
2. Dolly riding through our apartment building.
3. My roommate, Natalie, and me riding on top of Mitch's car.
4. We through a huge party and played WATER pong. :)
5. Stayed up all night and watched the sunrise from the top of our building.
-B
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
A Mother's Thoughts...
Sorry I have taken a hiatus from blogging lately. Life has had a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm sure you have heard of Robin Williams' death by now. This sparked a good conversation about my own depression between my mom and I. She then asked my permission to write a post about it on Facebook. I am not ashamed of my illness, so of course I encouraged her to do it. I would like to share it with you here because mental illness is important to shed light on.
"Much is being said about depression and suicide in the wake of Robin Williams' death. Let me offer another side and some unsolicited advice. A warning, this may be long. There are varying degrees of depression and many don't come right out and say they're struggling. I mean, it's a tough thing to admit you have a mental illness. You know that there are people thinking you're flawed and that if you just pray and think happy thoughts, your illness will go away. No one ever thinks that of some one with a physical illness.
So here's just one thing you can do: be the type of person where the one who is struggling can come to you, knowing you'll hold no judgement and they'll have a safe place to land. Where you just sit and listen to them. Sometimes, as a parent of one who struggles with deep depression, you may hear things that scare the daylights out of you. Like how the isolation they feel is so overwhelming. Or they don't want to be a burden and they know suicide is not the answer but that feeling has such a tight grip on their soul, they can't shake it and fear they'll succumb. Or they just come right out and say, "I don't want to live." And it's not being said for attention, it's a true, scary thought. You look into this beautiful face and know there are great and fun times ahead in their life and wonder why they can't see it. So you have to act. No matter what it takes.
Unfortunately, mental health is expensive and severely underfunded and budget cuts are made every year in hospitals across the country, resulting in their closings. We were lucky that we have a great facility here. We looked at it like investing in our child's future, the same way we do as college so we took advantage of any and all programs; both in-patient and outpatient. There was no way depression was going to win out in this family. Everyday I said that depression had never met this mother before! (thumbs pointing to myself) and Jon of course! We were also lucky that we had several friends who were that soft place for us as well. I am forever grateful to them. With therapy and treatment, it can become manageable, just like living with diabetes or other manageable illnesses. There will always be some that won't understand or don't want to and that's ok. The ones that do (and hopefully most are your immediate family) make up for all that anyway. And the only way for it to be more accepted and understood is to talk about it. From the very beginning I told my daughter that she had two choices and I would respect either. We could deal with this quietly as a family (but then it would appear we're ashamed) or be open about it and maybe help others along the way. I'm so glad she chose to be open about it. *I did ask her permission to write this, though. I never want to assume. Thanks for letting me put this out there!"
I am so thankful to have such understanding and supportive family members, friends, and medical professionals. I feel so lucky. Remember how important it is to reach out to others and to be open and loving. Everyone deserves love, no matter what you've been through. I hope everyone is well.
- B :)
"Much is being said about depression and suicide in the wake of Robin Williams' death. Let me offer another side and some unsolicited advice. A warning, this may be long. There are varying degrees of depression and many don't come right out and say they're struggling. I mean, it's a tough thing to admit you have a mental illness. You know that there are people thinking you're flawed and that if you just pray and think happy thoughts, your illness will go away. No one ever thinks that of some one with a physical illness.
So here's just one thing you can do: be the type of person where the one who is struggling can come to you, knowing you'll hold no judgement and they'll have a safe place to land. Where you just sit and listen to them. Sometimes, as a parent of one who struggles with deep depression, you may hear things that scare the daylights out of you. Like how the isolation they feel is so overwhelming. Or they don't want to be a burden and they know suicide is not the answer but that feeling has such a tight grip on their soul, they can't shake it and fear they'll succumb. Or they just come right out and say, "I don't want to live." And it's not being said for attention, it's a true, scary thought. You look into this beautiful face and know there are great and fun times ahead in their life and wonder why they can't see it. So you have to act. No matter what it takes.
Unfortunately, mental health is expensive and severely underfunded and budget cuts are made every year in hospitals across the country, resulting in their closings. We were lucky that we have a great facility here. We looked at it like investing in our child's future, the same way we do as college so we took advantage of any and all programs; both in-patient and outpatient. There was no way depression was going to win out in this family. Everyday I said that depression had never met this mother before! (thumbs pointing to myself) and Jon of course! We were also lucky that we had several friends who were that soft place for us as well. I am forever grateful to them. With therapy and treatment, it can become manageable, just like living with diabetes or other manageable illnesses. There will always be some that won't understand or don't want to and that's ok. The ones that do (and hopefully most are your immediate family) make up for all that anyway. And the only way for it to be more accepted and understood is to talk about it. From the very beginning I told my daughter that she had two choices and I would respect either. We could deal with this quietly as a family (but then it would appear we're ashamed) or be open about it and maybe help others along the way. I'm so glad she chose to be open about it. *I did ask her permission to write this, though. I never want to assume. Thanks for letting me put this out there!"
I am so thankful to have such understanding and supportive family members, friends, and medical professionals. I feel so lucky. Remember how important it is to reach out to others and to be open and loving. Everyone deserves love, no matter what you've been through. I hope everyone is well.
- B :)
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