Reason #34 - Fairs!

Over the weekend I got to go to the Eastern Idaho State Fair and my heart is full!! All day I get to stuff myself with fatty foods, pet cute animals, and walk around with one of my favorite people. What doesn't sound good about that?! Also, I went to my first ever demolition derby. It was super redneck and I loved every second. Oh, I wouldn't trade my crazy life for anything. :)

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

There are many factors that can contribute to someone feeling the need to end their life - depression, anxiety, a break up or divorce, loneliness, financial struggles, a death of a loved one. No case is 100% identical and you can never really know what is going on in someone else's mind.

Although there are many reasons why people choose this permanent ending, there is one common factor between all cases of survivors. Someone cared. This may not be the only solution to the worldwide suicide epidemic, but it is A solution. And probably one of the most effective that I have seen in my time in the hospital. Yes, there were patients who got no visitors their whole stay - no friends and no family. My heart went out to these kids. How alone they must have felt. But I watched how the nurses and workers treated these people. They made it THEIR job to be the person who cared. It may not seem like much to someone who hasn't experienced this, but I saw these workers get to know the patients on a personal level. Not because it was their job, but because they could see beyond what the kids could see. They weren't interested in talking about therapy or meds 24/7, they asked about what they liked to do and what they want to be when they grow up. What they wanted to name their children and what their favorite colors were. And I could see the genuine interest that these workers had for all of us.

The positive impact that a simple kind gesture can have is vast. Maybe simple acts of kindness get overlooked a lot, but I promise they mean the world to someone who is on the brink of self destruction. I have always been one to befriend someone who looks lonely or sit with someone at lunch who looks like they are having a bad day. But I take a lot more notice now that I have been to the bottom. Be a good friend. Actually, be a GREAT friend. If you notice someone not acting like usual, be there for them. And be SINCERE. Be a person that people can be comfortable confiding in. IT'S SO IMPORTANT. Don't exclude anyone - whether at school, church, or work. Be willing to cross an ocean for your friends and seek for ways you can serve others. It costs exactly $0.00 to be a nice person, but it's worth is priceless.

And always remember to not be too quick to judge. You never know what is going on in another person's world. Maybe the kid that bullied you in middle school had some major problems at home and that was his way of dealing with them. Maybe the lady who cut you off has a lot on her mind today. Maybe the friend who bailed on you for lunch for the 3rd time in a row is too embarrassed to tell you that they can't afford that Subway sandwich. Maybe the homeless person on the corner has some severe mental health issues and no family to help them out. Have compassion for others. We were never meant to do life alone, that's why God put us into families and gave us friends.

Moments of Remembrance

Every once in awhile I have vivid memories of my time spent in the hospital. I can envision my room, the med station, the cafeteria. I can smell it. You know how places have distinct smells? The hospital has one- sterile. I can recall names and put them with faces and put them with stories. You're not supposed to share stories about where you've been with other patients outside of a controlled group therapy, but you hear it all. Some things make you feel very guilty... "Why am I here? This person has had such a hard life. Way harder than mine." I feel the constant cold in my toes, even though I am wearing socks... And sweatpants... And a sweatshirt. You can't escape the cold here. When I have these moments of remembrance, the same feeling comes over me. As if I were there at that exact moment.

Depression feels like you have a big hole in you and you try desperately to keep all your guts and vital organs inside you. But during my time in the unit it was as if I stopped trying to keep everything in. Like I just let everything ooze out everywhere. But it was okay because your roommate was oozing too. And then you go to group therapy and realize that everyone is oozing and it's a safe place so no one gawks at you. No one thinks it's pathetic that you can't keep yourself together. You're allowed to cry in front of them and say what you're mad about. You're taught that the oozing is okay for a little because we all understand. 

I don't know why this popped into my head tonight. Perhaps because it is freezing in my room and the way I was curled up on my bed flooded back the memories of me in the same position in the dark room of B2. I don't look at these times as happy. But really, they weren't sad. They were melancholy, but hopeful. They were, well, depressing. Mostly empty and numb. But there were moments of tender mercies that make me look back and laugh or smile. 

As I lay here and remember, I decided to get on my knees and pray for all the kids, adults, moms, dads, and grandparents that are there right now.  It makes my heart ache knowing that there are people in this world who cannot feel the love that our Savior has for them, for all of us. Not because they are unworthy of feeling His love, but because they are encompassed by the thick cloud of depression that chokes all good out of you. I felt very strongly tonight that these people need our prayers. I guess that is my message. Remember the forgotten. And if you see someone who is oozing, be sensitive. Ask how you can be there for your oozing friend if you are not sure how to help. Always encourage treatment. I will never regret getting help. And most importantly, TALK. Start the conversation. Make it a normal thing. The stigma of mental illness can never be erased if we do not TALK ABOUT IT.   

Look how far we've come...

   Today I feel overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude. My counselor, who I normally see every Wednesday, has decided that it is time to make my appointments every other week because of how well I am doing. This caused me to reflect on my progress since I started the long road to recovery. I would like to share my progress with y'all.

Me 2 years ago:

• Could not get out of bed. My parents would try to help me out, but I would just cry feeling so overwhelmed.
• Struggled making it to basketball practice, something that I always loved.
• Felt distant from all the friends I had been once very close to.
• Started failing all my classes in school, where I had once been an honor student.
• Slept every minute I possibly could, would avoid meals and family interaction.
• Took long showers daily just to cry.
• Avoided church, a place where I once felt God's love.
• Constant thoughts of self harm and suicide.

Me Today:

• Living 1800 miles away from my family, in a place I love.
• Get out of bed daily (still take naps more than I should, but working on it.)
• Working and making my own money.
• Going to school and passing all my classes.
• Attending church and reading my scriptures daily, feeling a lot closer to the Lord these days.
• Take most opportunities to go out with friends and have a good time.
• Going on dates without having to pop pills beforehand to calm the anxiety.
• Suicide never ever crosses my mind on a bad day.

   If you would have told the "2 years ago me" that I would be so happy today, I would have never believed you. It is so difficult to see any kind of potential in yourself when you are in such a dark place. You always hear stories of people who get out of these places, but happiness really does seem unattainable to you. I have been so blessed, though. God put so many caring people in my path to help me. I could make a whole book of just people who have made a positive impact in my life when it came to helping me when I needed it most. If you get anything from this post, I hope it is that recovery is possible. It really does start with the little things. Reward yourself for getting out of bed and brushing your teeth. Set attainable goals, but also know that not meeting them is okay too. Life is supposed to be enjoyable for you, so do what you can to get there. And don't forget to take a step back every once in awhile to look at how far you've come.

-B :)