Moments of Remembrance

Every once in awhile I have vivid memories of my time spent in the hospital. I can envision my room, the med station, the cafeteria. I can smell it. You know how places have distinct smells? The hospital has one- sterile. I can recall names and put them with faces and put them with stories. You're not supposed to share stories about where you've been with other patients outside of a controlled group therapy, but you hear it all. Some things make you feel very guilty... "Why am I here? This person has had such a hard life. Way harder than mine." I feel the constant cold in my toes, even though I am wearing socks... And sweatpants... And a sweatshirt. You can't escape the cold here. When I have these moments of remembrance, the same feeling comes over me. As if I were there at that exact moment.

Depression feels like you have a big hole in you and you try desperately to keep all your guts and vital organs inside you. But during my time in the unit it was as if I stopped trying to keep everything in. Like I just let everything ooze out everywhere. But it was okay because your roommate was oozing too. And then you go to group therapy and realize that everyone is oozing and it's a safe place so no one gawks at you. No one thinks it's pathetic that you can't keep yourself together. You're allowed to cry in front of them and say what you're mad about. You're taught that the oozing is okay for a little because we all understand. 

I don't know why this popped into my head tonight. Perhaps because it is freezing in my room and the way I was curled up on my bed flooded back the memories of me in the same position in the dark room of B2. I don't look at these times as happy. But really, they weren't sad. They were melancholy, but hopeful. They were, well, depressing. Mostly empty and numb. But there were moments of tender mercies that make me look back and laugh or smile. 

As I lay here and remember, I decided to get on my knees and pray for all the kids, adults, moms, dads, and grandparents that are there right now.  It makes my heart ache knowing that there are people in this world who cannot feel the love that our Savior has for them, for all of us. Not because they are unworthy of feeling His love, but because they are encompassed by the thick cloud of depression that chokes all good out of you. I felt very strongly tonight that these people need our prayers. I guess that is my message. Remember the forgotten. And if you see someone who is oozing, be sensitive. Ask how you can be there for your oozing friend if you are not sure how to help. Always encourage treatment. I will never regret getting help. And most importantly, TALK. Start the conversation. Make it a normal thing. The stigma of mental illness can never be erased if we do not TALK ABOUT IT.   

A Mother's Thoughts...

   Sorry I have taken a hiatus from blogging lately. Life has had a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm sure you have heard of Robin Williams' death by now. This sparked a good conversation about my own depression between my mom and I. She then asked my permission to write a post about it on Facebook. I am not ashamed of my illness, so of course I encouraged her to do it. I would like to share it with you here because mental illness is important to shed light on.

"Much is being said about depression and suicide in the wake of Robin Williams' death. Let me offer another side and some unsolicited advice. A warning, this may be long. There are varying degrees of depression and many don't come right out and say they're struggling. I mean, it's a tough thing to admit you have a mental illness. You know that there are people thinking you're flawed and that if you just pray and think happy thoughts, your illness will go away. No one ever thinks that of some one with a physical illness.

So here's just one thing you can do: be the type of person where the one who is struggling can come to you, knowing you'll hold no judgement and they'll have a safe place to land. Where you just sit and listen to them. Sometimes, as a parent of one who struggles with deep depression, you may hear things that scare the daylights out of you. Like how the isolation they feel is so overwhelming. Or they don't want to be a burden and they know suicide is not the answer but that feeling has such a tight grip on their soul, they can't shake it and fear they'll succumb. Or they just come right out and say, "I don't want to live." And it's not being said for attention, it's a true, scary thought. You look into this beautiful face and know there are great and fun times ahead in their life and wonder why they can't see it. So you have to act. No matter what it takes.

Unfortunately, mental health is expensive and severely underfunded and budget cuts are made every year in hospitals across the country, resulting in their closings. We were lucky that we have a great facility here. We looked at it like investing in our child's future, the same way we do as college so we took advantage of any and all programs; both in-patient and outpatient. There was no way depression was going to win out in this family. Everyday I said that depression had never met this mother before! (thumbs pointing to myself) and Jon of course! We were also lucky that we had several friends who were that soft place for us as well. I am forever grateful to them. With therapy and treatment, it can become manageable, just like living with diabetes or other manageable illnesses. There will always be some that won't understand or don't want to and that's ok. The ones that do (and hopefully most are your immediate family) make up for all that anyway. And the only way for it to be more accepted and understood is to talk about it. From the very beginning I told my daughter that she had two choices and I would respect either. We could deal with this quietly as a family (but then it would appear we're ashamed) or be open about it and maybe help others along the way. I'm so glad she chose to be open about it. *I did ask her permission to write this, though. I never want to assume. Thanks for letting me put this out there!" 

I am so thankful to have such understanding and supportive family members, friends, and medical professionals. I feel so lucky. Remember how important it is to reach out to others and to be open and loving. Everyone deserves love, no matter what you've been through. I hope everyone is well. 

- B :)

How to be a Friend to Someone with Depression

   It is really hard to be a friend to someone who is struggling. Many people just don't know what to do or say, especially if they have never experienced depression before. When I was struggling, I blamed a lot of my sadness on others. Because my confidence was so low, I thought that others were purposely leaving me out of activities, when really I was just so isolated that I made it hard for even my best friends to try and connect with me. It's hard to explain, but a lot of times when during my bad days, I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted a friend by my side constantly, but I also wanted to be left alone. It's difficult for everyone involved. I thought I would write some advice for both parties - how to help someone and how to let someone help you.

People who are Struggling - Depression is hard and if you have not experienced what it feels like first hand, then it is very difficult to try and understand. That's why it's important to try and let others know how you feel. People cannot read minds and sometimes they can't tell that you are struggling, so you must speak. It's an important part of healing, and for me, the most difficult. No matter who you are or what your situation, there are people out there who WANT to help you. Let them. Of course, no one can fix you. Getting better is a choice, but the path of healing is made significantly easier when someone is there for you along the way. Be open and communicate. Allow someone to do something nice for you and be grateful. Remember always that people care for you and want you to be happy, but don't feel as if you let them down even if you are not. It takes lots of time and work, but in the end you will be glad that you have someone you can be open with.

Friends - The most important thing to keep in mind is that depression is never someone's fault, so it's good to remember not to be judgmental. Also, do not expect to be able to heal someone else. Your job is not to lead them down the path of healing, it's to walk beside them. Stay positive and be open. Specifically ask what they would like you to do to help them. Every case is different, so you never really know what they want. Sometimes they will want to be alone and that is okay. Offer to do things that you know they love to do. Take them on a hike or to a movie. It takes a lot of effort to be the friend, but do not give up on them. Whether they show it or not, they need friends. Encourage them to do little things, like shower or make their bed. Remind them that you care. Remind them that depression is a liar and that it does not control them.

   I saw this great article on facebook about how to show love to someone with depression. It has some great ideas about things that you can actually do... http://www.thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/

   For both parties the most important thing to remember is to never ever give up, no matter how much you believe that things are not working. Some day, all of your efforts will be so, so worth it.

:) - B

Reason #19 - Giving & Receiving Compliments

   Getting a really nice compliment from someone just makes my day! But it also makes me happy attempting to make someone else's day by giving a compliment. There's nothing more simple and kind that you can do for someone, or that they can do for you, than just voicing what you like about them.

   Today my friend showed me Daily Odd Compliment (http://dailyoddcompliment.tumblr.com/). It's a blog that posts unusual compliments. We were sending them back and forth and I was laughing so hard because so many of them actually related to our friendship.

   Someone once told me to never pass up the opportunity to compliment someone. If you genuinely like something about someone, even if it's just the way they did their hair that day or their new socks, make sure you tell them! It doesn't even matter if it's a complete stranger! It can turn a bad day into one that's a little bit better. Sometimes that's all someone needs to keep going!

 

A few Odd Compliments....

 

 

:) -B

 

P.S. To everyone that reads my blog - you are all amazing and cute and I hope you are having a fabulous week.