World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

There are many factors that can contribute to someone feeling the need to end their life - depression, anxiety, a break up or divorce, loneliness, financial struggles, a death of a loved one. No case is 100% identical and you can never really know what is going on in someone else's mind.

Although there are many reasons why people choose this permanent ending, there is one common factor between all cases of survivors. Someone cared. This may not be the only solution to the worldwide suicide epidemic, but it is A solution. And probably one of the most effective that I have seen in my time in the hospital. Yes, there were patients who got no visitors their whole stay - no friends and no family. My heart went out to these kids. How alone they must have felt. But I watched how the nurses and workers treated these people. They made it THEIR job to be the person who cared. It may not seem like much to someone who hasn't experienced this, but I saw these workers get to know the patients on a personal level. Not because it was their job, but because they could see beyond what the kids could see. They weren't interested in talking about therapy or meds 24/7, they asked about what they liked to do and what they want to be when they grow up. What they wanted to name their children and what their favorite colors were. And I could see the genuine interest that these workers had for all of us.

The positive impact that a simple kind gesture can have is vast. Maybe simple acts of kindness get overlooked a lot, but I promise they mean the world to someone who is on the brink of self destruction. I have always been one to befriend someone who looks lonely or sit with someone at lunch who looks like they are having a bad day. But I take a lot more notice now that I have been to the bottom. Be a good friend. Actually, be a GREAT friend. If you notice someone not acting like usual, be there for them. And be SINCERE. Be a person that people can be comfortable confiding in. IT'S SO IMPORTANT. Don't exclude anyone - whether at school, church, or work. Be willing to cross an ocean for your friends and seek for ways you can serve others. It costs exactly $0.00 to be a nice person, but it's worth is priceless.

And always remember to not be too quick to judge. You never know what is going on in another person's world. Maybe the kid that bullied you in middle school had some major problems at home and that was his way of dealing with them. Maybe the lady who cut you off has a lot on her mind today. Maybe the friend who bailed on you for lunch for the 3rd time in a row is too embarrassed to tell you that they can't afford that Subway sandwich. Maybe the homeless person on the corner has some severe mental health issues and no family to help them out. Have compassion for others. We were never meant to do life alone, that's why God put us into families and gave us friends.

Look how far we've come...

   Today I feel overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude. My counselor, who I normally see every Wednesday, has decided that it is time to make my appointments every other week because of how well I am doing. This caused me to reflect on my progress since I started the long road to recovery. I would like to share my progress with y'all.

Me 2 years ago:

• Could not get out of bed. My parents would try to help me out, but I would just cry feeling so overwhelmed.
• Struggled making it to basketball practice, something that I always loved.
• Felt distant from all the friends I had been once very close to.
• Started failing all my classes in school, where I had once been an honor student.
• Slept every minute I possibly could, would avoid meals and family interaction.
• Took long showers daily just to cry.
• Avoided church, a place where I once felt God's love.
• Constant thoughts of self harm and suicide.

Me Today:

• Living 1800 miles away from my family, in a place I love.
• Get out of bed daily (still take naps more than I should, but working on it.)
• Working and making my own money.
• Going to school and passing all my classes.
• Attending church and reading my scriptures daily, feeling a lot closer to the Lord these days.
• Take most opportunities to go out with friends and have a good time.
• Going on dates without having to pop pills beforehand to calm the anxiety.
• Suicide never ever crosses my mind on a bad day.

   If you would have told the "2 years ago me" that I would be so happy today, I would have never believed you. It is so difficult to see any kind of potential in yourself when you are in such a dark place. You always hear stories of people who get out of these places, but happiness really does seem unattainable to you. I have been so blessed, though. God put so many caring people in my path to help me. I could make a whole book of just people who have made a positive impact in my life when it came to helping me when I needed it most. If you get anything from this post, I hope it is that recovery is possible. It really does start with the little things. Reward yourself for getting out of bed and brushing your teeth. Set attainable goals, but also know that not meeting them is okay too. Life is supposed to be enjoyable for you, so do what you can to get there. And don't forget to take a step back every once in awhile to look at how far you've come.

-B :)

A Mother's Thoughts...

   Sorry I have taken a hiatus from blogging lately. Life has had a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm sure you have heard of Robin Williams' death by now. This sparked a good conversation about my own depression between my mom and I. She then asked my permission to write a post about it on Facebook. I am not ashamed of my illness, so of course I encouraged her to do it. I would like to share it with you here because mental illness is important to shed light on.

"Much is being said about depression and suicide in the wake of Robin Williams' death. Let me offer another side and some unsolicited advice. A warning, this may be long. There are varying degrees of depression and many don't come right out and say they're struggling. I mean, it's a tough thing to admit you have a mental illness. You know that there are people thinking you're flawed and that if you just pray and think happy thoughts, your illness will go away. No one ever thinks that of some one with a physical illness.

So here's just one thing you can do: be the type of person where the one who is struggling can come to you, knowing you'll hold no judgement and they'll have a safe place to land. Where you just sit and listen to them. Sometimes, as a parent of one who struggles with deep depression, you may hear things that scare the daylights out of you. Like how the isolation they feel is so overwhelming. Or they don't want to be a burden and they know suicide is not the answer but that feeling has such a tight grip on their soul, they can't shake it and fear they'll succumb. Or they just come right out and say, "I don't want to live." And it's not being said for attention, it's a true, scary thought. You look into this beautiful face and know there are great and fun times ahead in their life and wonder why they can't see it. So you have to act. No matter what it takes.

Unfortunately, mental health is expensive and severely underfunded and budget cuts are made every year in hospitals across the country, resulting in their closings. We were lucky that we have a great facility here. We looked at it like investing in our child's future, the same way we do as college so we took advantage of any and all programs; both in-patient and outpatient. There was no way depression was going to win out in this family. Everyday I said that depression had never met this mother before! (thumbs pointing to myself) and Jon of course! We were also lucky that we had several friends who were that soft place for us as well. I am forever grateful to them. With therapy and treatment, it can become manageable, just like living with diabetes or other manageable illnesses. There will always be some that won't understand or don't want to and that's ok. The ones that do (and hopefully most are your immediate family) make up for all that anyway. And the only way for it to be more accepted and understood is to talk about it. From the very beginning I told my daughter that she had two choices and I would respect either. We could deal with this quietly as a family (but then it would appear we're ashamed) or be open about it and maybe help others along the way. I'm so glad she chose to be open about it. *I did ask her permission to write this, though. I never want to assume. Thanks for letting me put this out there!" 

I am so thankful to have such understanding and supportive family members, friends, and medical professionals. I feel so lucky. Remember how important it is to reach out to others and to be open and loving. Everyone deserves love, no matter what you've been through. I hope everyone is well. 

- B :)