Moments of Remembrance

Every once in awhile I have vivid memories of my time spent in the hospital. I can envision my room, the med station, the cafeteria. I can smell it. You know how places have distinct smells? The hospital has one- sterile. I can recall names and put them with faces and put them with stories. You're not supposed to share stories about where you've been with other patients outside of a controlled group therapy, but you hear it all. Some things make you feel very guilty... "Why am I here? This person has had such a hard life. Way harder than mine." I feel the constant cold in my toes, even though I am wearing socks... And sweatpants... And a sweatshirt. You can't escape the cold here. When I have these moments of remembrance, the same feeling comes over me. As if I were there at that exact moment.

Depression feels like you have a big hole in you and you try desperately to keep all your guts and vital organs inside you. But during my time in the unit it was as if I stopped trying to keep everything in. Like I just let everything ooze out everywhere. But it was okay because your roommate was oozing too. And then you go to group therapy and realize that everyone is oozing and it's a safe place so no one gawks at you. No one thinks it's pathetic that you can't keep yourself together. You're allowed to cry in front of them and say what you're mad about. You're taught that the oozing is okay for a little because we all understand. 

I don't know why this popped into my head tonight. Perhaps because it is freezing in my room and the way I was curled up on my bed flooded back the memories of me in the same position in the dark room of B2. I don't look at these times as happy. But really, they weren't sad. They were melancholy, but hopeful. They were, well, depressing. Mostly empty and numb. But there were moments of tender mercies that make me look back and laugh or smile. 

As I lay here and remember, I decided to get on my knees and pray for all the kids, adults, moms, dads, and grandparents that are there right now.  It makes my heart ache knowing that there are people in this world who cannot feel the love that our Savior has for them, for all of us. Not because they are unworthy of feeling His love, but because they are encompassed by the thick cloud of depression that chokes all good out of you. I felt very strongly tonight that these people need our prayers. I guess that is my message. Remember the forgotten. And if you see someone who is oozing, be sensitive. Ask how you can be there for your oozing friend if you are not sure how to help. Always encourage treatment. I will never regret getting help. And most importantly, TALK. Start the conversation. Make it a normal thing. The stigma of mental illness can never be erased if we do not TALK ABOUT IT.   

Reason #28 - Summer

   I am having one of the best summers of my life. I am living 1800 miles away from home and it's very different than a summer at home. It's strange being on my own schedule. I don't have to babysit all day or have to be home at a certain time. Everything is my choice and it is liberating. I miss home and my family a lot, but I am slowly falling in love with Rexburg and all the friends that I have here. It feels great to be working for myself and living for myself. I feel like this is one of the only times in life where you can get away with being a little bit selfish, when you're trying to make something out of yourself.

   Even before I moved away from home I always loved summers. Late nights and friends make it all worthwhile. I may not get much sleep, but at least I'm having fun... right?

 Just some summer antics:

1. Grim eating a raw potato... because Idaho so why not?

2. Dolly riding through our apartment building.

3. My roommate, Natalie, and me riding on top of Mitch's car.

4. We through a huge party and played WATER pong. :)

5. Stayed up all night and watched the sunrise from the top of our building.

I love summer and feeling free.
-B

Reason #24 - Music

   Upon getting to know someone, I like to find out what kind of music they listen to. You can tell A LOT about a person based on what they have on their Ipod. Music is so universal and very personal to many people. Certain songs can have very special meanings for people. "Hey Jude" by the Beatles is one of my favorite songs. It reminds me of a trip I went on with the youth in my church. We sang it on the bus one day and now every time I hear that song I remember the amazing feeling of that carefree summer.
  
   Music can unite thousands of people at a time. One of my favorite things is being in the crowd at a concert and dancing and singing with all the strangers around me. The last concert I went to, Weezer (SO GOOD), we met some kids around our age and instantly became friends after a conversation about how much we love the band.

   Plus some of my most favorite memories come from concerts. I saw Blink-182 (also good) a few years back and it rained for a good 5 hours. "Rained" is putting it lightly, it POURED. It was a blast though because no one cared, we were drenched. It was definitely something I cannot forget. Especially because now anytime I hear one of their songs I have flashbacks from that day. I don't think I have gone to a single concert that I wouldn't want to relive if I had the chance.

   When I am happy, sad, or angry, I put on the radio. I love that there is literally a song for any emotion and any situation. I envy people who can write music that can relate to so many people.

 

- B :)