A Mother's Thoughts...

   Sorry I have taken a hiatus from blogging lately. Life has had a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm sure you have heard of Robin Williams' death by now. This sparked a good conversation about my own depression between my mom and I. She then asked my permission to write a post about it on Facebook. I am not ashamed of my illness, so of course I encouraged her to do it. I would like to share it with you here because mental illness is important to shed light on.

"Much is being said about depression and suicide in the wake of Robin Williams' death. Let me offer another side and some unsolicited advice. A warning, this may be long. There are varying degrees of depression and many don't come right out and say they're struggling. I mean, it's a tough thing to admit you have a mental illness. You know that there are people thinking you're flawed and that if you just pray and think happy thoughts, your illness will go away. No one ever thinks that of some one with a physical illness.

So here's just one thing you can do: be the type of person where the one who is struggling can come to you, knowing you'll hold no judgement and they'll have a safe place to land. Where you just sit and listen to them. Sometimes, as a parent of one who struggles with deep depression, you may hear things that scare the daylights out of you. Like how the isolation they feel is so overwhelming. Or they don't want to be a burden and they know suicide is not the answer but that feeling has such a tight grip on their soul, they can't shake it and fear they'll succumb. Or they just come right out and say, "I don't want to live." And it's not being said for attention, it's a true, scary thought. You look into this beautiful face and know there are great and fun times ahead in their life and wonder why they can't see it. So you have to act. No matter what it takes.

Unfortunately, mental health is expensive and severely underfunded and budget cuts are made every year in hospitals across the country, resulting in their closings. We were lucky that we have a great facility here. We looked at it like investing in our child's future, the same way we do as college so we took advantage of any and all programs; both in-patient and outpatient. There was no way depression was going to win out in this family. Everyday I said that depression had never met this mother before! (thumbs pointing to myself) and Jon of course! We were also lucky that we had several friends who were that soft place for us as well. I am forever grateful to them. With therapy and treatment, it can become manageable, just like living with diabetes or other manageable illnesses. There will always be some that won't understand or don't want to and that's ok. The ones that do (and hopefully most are your immediate family) make up for all that anyway. And the only way for it to be more accepted and understood is to talk about it. From the very beginning I told my daughter that she had two choices and I would respect either. We could deal with this quietly as a family (but then it would appear we're ashamed) or be open about it and maybe help others along the way. I'm so glad she chose to be open about it. *I did ask her permission to write this, though. I never want to assume. Thanks for letting me put this out there!" 

I am so thankful to have such understanding and supportive family members, friends, and medical professionals. I feel so lucky. Remember how important it is to reach out to others and to be open and loving. Everyone deserves love, no matter what you've been through. I hope everyone is well. 

- B :)

How to be a Friend to Someone with Depression

   It is really hard to be a friend to someone who is struggling. Many people just don't know what to do or say, especially if they have never experienced depression before. When I was struggling, I blamed a lot of my sadness on others. Because my confidence was so low, I thought that others were purposely leaving me out of activities, when really I was just so isolated that I made it hard for even my best friends to try and connect with me. It's hard to explain, but a lot of times when during my bad days, I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted a friend by my side constantly, but I also wanted to be left alone. It's difficult for everyone involved. I thought I would write some advice for both parties - how to help someone and how to let someone help you.

People who are Struggling - Depression is hard and if you have not experienced what it feels like first hand, then it is very difficult to try and understand. That's why it's important to try and let others know how you feel. People cannot read minds and sometimes they can't tell that you are struggling, so you must speak. It's an important part of healing, and for me, the most difficult. No matter who you are or what your situation, there are people out there who WANT to help you. Let them. Of course, no one can fix you. Getting better is a choice, but the path of healing is made significantly easier when someone is there for you along the way. Be open and communicate. Allow someone to do something nice for you and be grateful. Remember always that people care for you and want you to be happy, but don't feel as if you let them down even if you are not. It takes lots of time and work, but in the end you will be glad that you have someone you can be open with.

Friends - The most important thing to keep in mind is that depression is never someone's fault, so it's good to remember not to be judgmental. Also, do not expect to be able to heal someone else. Your job is not to lead them down the path of healing, it's to walk beside them. Stay positive and be open. Specifically ask what they would like you to do to help them. Every case is different, so you never really know what they want. Sometimes they will want to be alone and that is okay. Offer to do things that you know they love to do. Take them on a hike or to a movie. It takes a lot of effort to be the friend, but do not give up on them. Whether they show it or not, they need friends. Encourage them to do little things, like shower or make their bed. Remind them that you care. Remind them that depression is a liar and that it does not control them.

   I saw this great article on facebook about how to show love to someone with depression. It has some great ideas about things that you can actually do... http://www.thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/

   For both parties the most important thing to remember is to never ever give up, no matter how much you believe that things are not working. Some day, all of your efforts will be so, so worth it.

:) - B

Reason #6 - Friends

   I wasn't always the best friend during my low periods. I became very isolated and distant. It was very hard for others to connect with me and because of that I felt like I was losing friends. I am thankful for those that stuck around and tried to understand what I was going through. I don't have enough time to write about them all, but I found a bunch of pictures today. Even all these pictures don't cover all the people that stuck by me through that time.

   Be a good friend and never ever give up on anyone. Chances are they are acting like that for a reason. Take time to listen and just be there when they need you. And if you are the struggling friend, don't be afraid to confide in your friends. They can't read your mind, so they need you to tell them how to help. If they are a good friend, they will listen. Sometimes the best thing someone can do to help is just sit in silence, not talking about problems, but just being there.

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

-B

Reason #5 - Hand-written Letters

   Hand written letters mean a lot to me. I save every single one I receive and I read them on really bad days. I have letters that my 2nd grade class wrote me when I moved to Maryland, all the way to "thank you" letters that I got last week. There is something so special about a letter. Someone took the time to write to you, to thank you for something that you did for them, or to send some words of encouragement.

   My lovely friend Jane, who is currently on a mission trip in India, wrote me many letters to brighten my day when I was struggling a lot. She would add Bible verses in them and always reminded me that I was never alone in this. That impacted me so much and I am so thankful for her.

   One of the best notes that I ever received was only 9 words long, but was literally the turning point in my depression. At the camp I go to every year, I was sitting next to one of my most amazing friends, Melissa. We were listening to a speaker and she knew I was struggling and not making the best choices in my life at that time. She ripped off the corner of her paper and wrote me a little note and handed it to me. When I read it I burst out crying. I don't think she knew how much it meant to me, but we ended up both crying and making a little bit of a scene, haha. I'm not sure why it just hit me then, but there was just such a feeling of love in that moment. It was amazing. I literally felt like God had prompted her to do that because it was just what I needed. I still have that tiny note in my journal and it means so much to me.

   You never know what some kind words can do for someone. If you appreciate someone, write them a note. A little goes a long way.

-B

P.S. If you would like to read about Jane and her team's adventures of spreading Christ's love in India, here is the link to their blog. She is an amazing writer! http://ywamwylieindia.wordpress.com/

Reason #1 - Family

   Family was the first one I could think of, and at one point the only thing that kept me going. I love my family and I was always still am constantly worried about upsetting them. I have four younger siblings, two pretty great parents, and a cutie patootie dog. Not to mention the large extended family that I don't even have time to write about.
  

 

   Although my family is not perfect, I am so blessed to have them. I love having someone to always chat or play games with when I'm bored. Family game nights get intense at our house. We have stayed up into the wee hours of the night playing charades and Dance Central 2. I even had to take a break writing this post because my little brother that I babysit during the day said, "Hey, instead of being on the computer or watching TV, we should play UNO!! We are being bored right now." So we did, he won. But we will be having a rematch later. My siblings are my best friends. We laugh a lot. We even have a Top 10 Funniest Moments list that we talk about when we are all together that still makes up crack up laughing. My friends even ask me to tell them "Trae stories" because I have so many good ones from that kid.

   Sometimes we get frustrated with each other, but I wouldn't trade them for the world! <3

-B