Thursday, November 17, 2016

You can't prepare your daughters for college, but you can love them

            I have the greatest parents. Growing up, I was always told that I could do absolutely anything that I dreamed of, that I had zero limitations. They encouraged me to take every challenging class, try out for every sports team, and to make lots of friends and have fun. They praised me for every accomplishment and were understanding when I came to them with problems or mistakes that I had made, never angry. Perhaps one of the most important things that they impressed on me from a young age was the understanding that I have tremendous value. Not to let anyone ever treat me like I don’t. They taught me what to do in situations where someone might try to take advantage of that value. My parents were always the best examples, they showed each other respect and expected me to do the same.

Something that I did not realize during all these mini-lessons, was that I would be in situations where someone would treat me like I had no value. I knew things like that happened because my parents talked to me about standing up for myself and not settling for anything less than I deserve. But I was naive enough to think that those things wouldn’t happen to me, they couldn’t.

I felt especially safe because I was getting ready to attend a church school in the conservative state of Idaho. I wasn’t about to roam the streets of Detroit, no, I was settling in small town USA. Where I believed the worst thing that could occur was accidentally losing a finger in a potato factory. But attending a church – owned school in Idaho is exactly like attending college anywhere else in the world. There are still drugs. There is still underage drinking. There is still sexual assault. Of course none of the above are condoned, but it still happens.

As I began the adventures of dating, I noticed exactly what my parents cautioned me about.

“You could be really attractive if you lost a few pounds.”

“Why are you getting a degree? You’re just gonna be taking care of my kids anyway.”

“Don’t send snaps unless you’re naked.”

“I can’t date you if you don’t put out.”

“I bought you dinner, so now you owe me.”

These are all phrases I heard from boys who were also attending the same school as me, and most were too vulgar to share. I always ignored these comments, never talking back or getting angry. I wouldn’t want to look CRAZY too. But it is hard to ignore those comments when you’re lying in bed, trying to fall asleep and wondering why you didn’t get a second date.

Until one day it just clicked for me. I was going on a first (and only) date with an older guy who was taking me to get my favorite food, burritos. He drove me around for a while, showing off his fancy car. (I wasn’t impressed, I was just thinking about burritos the whole time.) Next thing I knew we were pulling up to his studio apartment, instead of the restaurant. The woman my parents raised would have never even gone in, but I didn’t want to be rude. To my dismay, there were no burritos in his motel-like room (No one gets in-between me and a burrito. Big mistake.) Just a big bed and a little love seat. Panic rushed through me, this was not the first time I had been manipulated. I awkwardly sat as far over on the love seat as I possibly could, looking for every excuse to leave. I thought about having a roommate call me with an “emergency.” I was thinking of ways to make myself sick. If I threw up or had diarrhea that would be pretty embarrassing, but then he’d have to take me home. I would have gone to great lengths to get out of this situation. After several advances and many firm “no’s,” I stood up and told him to take me home. The more he argued with me, the firmer I became. It shouldn’t have gotten to the point where I was threatening to call the police, but it did go there.

The ride home was awkward. He was mad and he was rude and he called me a “slut” more times than I can count. But all I could think about was how happy I was. This is the woman my parents raised.

My only regret was not standing up for myself to anyone before. I could have avoided some tough situations if only I had recognized my worth earlier. So many times I wanted to be nice. I never wanted to offend. But some people will take advantage of your kindness and your good heart. Protecting yourself and standing up for yourself is worth offending. It is worth one guy thinking you’re mean and calling you names. Because if someone tries to manipulate you, you should be mean. You can prepare your daughter for these situations, but you cannot prepare them for the feelings that result from these situations.

I am thankful for parents that were open with me and showed me that I have value, even before I knew it. You cannot give someone confidence and you cannot give someone courage, but you can give them love. And your daughters will never forget the love lessons you gave them.


These lessons are what led me to my husband, a man that would never treat me less than I deserve, someone who respects who I am, and someone who has shown me Christ-like love through his actions. And I would have never met him if I settled for a boy who puts his own desires before my love for burritos.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Reason #34 - Fairs!

Over the weekend I got to go to the Eastern Idaho State Fair and my heart is full!! All day I get to stuff myself with fatty foods, pet cute animals, and walk around with one of my favorite people. What doesn't sound good about that?! Also, I went to my first ever demolition derby. It was super redneck and I loved every second. Oh, I wouldn't trade my crazy life for anything. :)


Thursday, September 10, 2015

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

There are many factors that can contribute to someone feeling the need to end their life - depression, anxiety, a break up or divorce, loneliness, financial struggles, a death of a loved one. No case is 100% identical and you can never really know what is going on in someone else's mind.

Although there are many reasons why people choose this permanent ending, there is one common factor between all cases of survivors. Someone cared. This may not be the only solution to the worldwide suicide epidemic, but it is A solution. And probably one of the most effective that I have seen in my time in the hospital. Yes, there were patients who got no visitors their whole stay - no friends and no family. My heart went out to these kids. How alone they must have felt. But I watched how the nurses and workers treated these people. They made it THEIR job to be the person who cared. It may not seem like much to someone who hasn't experienced this, but I saw these workers get to know the patients on a personal level. Not because it was their job, but because they could see beyond what the kids could see. They weren't interested in talking about therapy or meds 24/7, they asked about what they liked to do and what they want to be when they grow up. What they wanted to name their children and what their favorite colors were. And I could see the genuine interest that these workers had for all of us.

The positive impact that a simple kind gesture can have is vast. Maybe simple acts of kindness get overlooked a lot, but I promise they mean the world to someone who is on the brink of self destruction. I have always been one to befriend someone who looks lonely or sit with someone at lunch who looks like they are having a bad day. But I take a lot more notice now that I have been to the bottom. Be a good friend. Actually, be a GREAT friend. If you notice someone not acting like usual, be there for them. And be SINCERE. Be a person that people can be comfortable confiding in. IT'S SO IMPORTANT. Don't exclude anyone - whether at school, church, or work. Be willing to cross an ocean for your friends and seek for ways you can serve others. It costs exactly $0.00 to be a nice person, but it's worth is priceless.

And always remember to not be too quick to judge. You never know what is going on in another person's world. Maybe the kid that bullied you in middle school had some major problems at home and that was his way of dealing with them. Maybe the lady who cut you off has a lot on her mind today. Maybe the friend who bailed on you for lunch for the 3rd time in a row is too embarrassed to tell you that they can't afford that Subway sandwich. Maybe the homeless person on the corner has some severe mental health issues and no family to help them out. Have compassion for others. We were never meant to do life alone, that's why God put us into families and gave us friends.


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Moments of Remembrance

Every once in awhile I have vivid memories of my time spent in the hospital. I can envision my room, the med station, the cafeteria. I can smell it. You know how places have distinct smells? The hospital has one- sterile. I can recall names and put them with faces and put them with stories. You're not supposed to share stories about where you've been with other patients outside of a controlled group therapy, but you hear it all. Some things make you feel very guilty... "Why am I here? This person has had such a hard life. Way harder than mine." I feel the constant cold in my toes, even though I am wearing socks... And sweatpants... And a sweatshirt. You can't escape the cold here. When I have these moments of remembrance, the same feeling comes over me. As if I were there at that exact moment.

Depression feels like you have a big hole in you and you try desperately to keep all your guts and vital organs inside you. But during my time in the unit it was as if I stopped trying to keep everything in. Like I just let everything ooze out everywhere. But it was okay because your roommate was oozing too. And then you go to group therapy and realize that everyone is oozing and it's a safe place so no one gawks at you. No one thinks it's pathetic that you can't keep yourself together. You're allowed to cry in front of them and say what you're mad about. You're taught that the oozing is okay for a little because we all understand. 

I don't know why this popped into my head tonight. Perhaps because it is freezing in my room and the way I was curled up on my bed flooded back the memories of me in the same position in the dark room of B2. I don't look at these times as happy. But really, they weren't sad. They were melancholy, but hopeful. They were, well, depressing. Mostly empty and numb. But there were moments of tender mercies that make me look back and laugh or smile. 

As I lay here and remember, I decided to get on my knees and pray for all the kids, adults, moms, dads, and grandparents that are there right now.  It makes my heart ache knowing that there are people in this world who cannot feel the love that our Savior has for them, for all of us. Not because they are unworthy of feeling His love, but because they are encompassed by the thick cloud of depression that chokes all good out of you. I felt very strongly tonight that these people need our prayers. I guess that is my message. Remember the forgotten. And if you see someone who is oozing, be sensitive. Ask how you can be there for your oozing friend if you are not sure how to help. Always encourage treatment. I will never regret getting help. And most importantly, TALK. Start the conversation. Make it a normal thing. The stigma of mental illness can never be erased if we do not TALK ABOUT IT.   

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Look how far we've come...

   Today I feel overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude. My counselor, who I normally see every Wednesday, has decided that it is time to make my appointments every other week because of how well I am doing. This caused me to reflect on my progress since I started the long road to recovery. I would like to share my progress with y'all.

Me 2 years ago:
  • Could not get out of bed. My parents would try to help me out, but I would just cry feeling so overwhelmed.
  • Struggled making it to basketball practice, something that I always loved.
  • Felt distant from all the friends I had been once very close to.
  • Started failing all my classes in school, where I had once been an honor student.
  • Slept every minute I possibly could, would avoid meals and family interaction.
  • Took long showers daily just to cry.
  • Avoided church, a place where I once felt God's love.
  • Constant thoughts of self harm and suicide.
Me Today:
  • Living 1800 miles away from my family, in a place I love.
  • Get out of bed daily (still take naps more than I should, but working on it.)
  • Working and making my own money.
  • Going to school and passing all my classes.
  • Attending church and reading my scriptures daily, feeling a lot closer to the Lord these days.
  • Take most opportunities to go out with friends and have a good time.
  • Going on dates without having to pop pills beforehand to calm the anxiety.
  • Suicide never ever crosses my mind on a bad day.
   If you would have told the "2 years ago me" that I would be so happy today, I would have never believed you. It is so difficult to see any kind of potential in yourself when you are in such a dark place. You always hear stories of people who get out of these places, but happiness really does seem unattainable to you. I have been so blessed, though. God put so many caring people in my path to help me. I could make a whole book of just people who have made a positive impact in my life when it came to helping me when I needed it most. If you get anything from this post, I hope it is that recovery is possible. It really does start with the little things. Reward yourself for getting out of bed and brushing your teeth. Set attainable goals, but also know that not meeting them is okay too. Life is supposed to be enjoyable for you, so do what you can to get there. And don't forget to take a step back every once in awhile to look at how far you've come.

-B :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Reason #33 - Kisses

     There are some things in this world that are extremely precious and kisses are one of them. I normally wouldn't share such a personal thing, but kisses are some things that make me mega happy! Last week I was on a date and we were walking the halls of my apartment building. He quickly hesitated at one of the doors and told me we had to stop. I was really confused at why we were stopping at a random door. He just pointed toward the ceiling and above us was a bundle of mistletoe. I don't mean to get cheesy, but I have ALWAYS wanted to be kissed under the mistletoe so it was a really cool moment for me. Plus it was a perfect first kiss.

     If you can't think of anything else to live for, think of possible cute moments like this to look forward to. There's nothing like a sweet kiss to make you all giddy.

***Sorry for this post, dad. You can still believe I've never kissed a boy.*** 


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Count Your Blessings and Dwell on the Positives

   A couple days ago I was having a pretty bad day. Not because I was feeling uber depressed, full of anxiety, or overly stressed. It was completely circumstantial and I let myself dwell on something that should no longer bother me. This is something that I keep wondering why I still fall into sadness over because it cannot be changed. Nevertheless, I found myself in bed, staring at the ceiling and replaying situations in my head over and over again like I had done a million times before. All week, my roommates and I had planned on going to a dance party that I have been excited for for weeks now. But because of my state of mind that night, my body did not feel like leaving my bed, much less leaving my house and pretending I was happy.

   That's when my roommate came in, flung off my covers and said, "BQ, you have been waiting to go dancing for awhile now. I know you don't feel like it, but you will feel better and you will have fun." I knew she was right, so I slowly slipped out of bed and started the long process of prepping for the first party of the new semester. As I was curling my hair, she turned to me and asked me to tell her five things that I was thankful for. I spat out the usual answers - "my family, my friends, the gospel..." She then asked me to give ten more and really go into detail this time. I ended up saying some ridiculous things like "the feeling after you brush your teeth and then drink a cold glass of water" and "the smell of fresh laundry." Although these things may seem silly, they are things that genuinely make me happy.

   It is so important to remember the little things in life. Not everyday can involve a huge event that you'll remember the rest of your life. Sometimes you just have to sit back and focus on the tiny day to day things that get you by. If we count our good days by days that something spectacular happens, chances are you won't have as many as you hope for. But if you end everyday with thinking of all the things that you are thankful for, you will realize that there is good all around. It really is just your perspective that changes things.

Thank you Natalie for teaching me this important lesson and for being such a great friend. <3

-B :)