I have the greatest parents. Growing up, I was always told
that I could do absolutely anything that I dreamed of, that I had zero
limitations. They encouraged me to take every challenging class, try out for
every sports team, and to make lots of friends and have fun. They praised me
for every accomplishment and were understanding when I came to them with
problems or mistakes that I had made, never angry. Perhaps one of the most
important things that they impressed on me from a young age was the
understanding that I have tremendous value. Not to let anyone ever treat me
like I don’t. They taught me what to do in situations where someone might try
to take advantage of that value. My parents were always the best examples, they
showed each other respect and expected me to do the same.
Something that I did not realize
during all these mini-lessons, was that I would be in situations where someone
would treat me like I had no value. I knew things like that happened because my
parents talked to me about standing up for myself and not settling for anything
less than I deserve. But I was naive enough to think that those things
wouldn’t happen to me, they couldn’t.
I felt especially safe because I
was getting ready to attend a church school in the conservative state of Idaho.
I wasn’t about to roam the streets of Detroit, no, I was settling in small town
USA. Where I believed the worst thing that could occur was accidentally losing
a finger in a potato factory. But attending a church – owned school in Idaho is
exactly like attending college anywhere else in the world. There are still
drugs. There is still underage drinking. There is still sexual assault. Of
course none of the above are condoned, but it still happens.
As I began the adventures of
dating, I noticed exactly what my parents cautioned me about.
“You could be really attractive if
you lost a few pounds.”
“Why are you getting a degree? You’re
just gonna be taking care of my kids anyway.”
“Don’t send snaps unless you’re
naked.”
“I can’t date you if you don’t put
out.”
“I bought you dinner, so now you
owe me.”
These are all phrases I heard from
boys who were also attending the same school as me, and most were too vulgar to
share. I always ignored these comments, never talking back or getting angry. I
wouldn’t want to look CRAZY too. But it is hard to ignore those comments when
you’re lying in bed, trying to fall asleep and wondering why you didn’t get a
second date.
Until one day it just clicked for
me. I was going on a first (and only) date with an older guy who was taking me
to get my favorite food, burritos. He drove me around for a while, showing off
his fancy car. (I wasn’t impressed, I was just thinking about burritos the
whole time.) Next thing I knew we were pulling up to his studio apartment,
instead of the restaurant. The woman my parents raised would have never even
gone in, but I didn’t want to be rude. To my dismay, there were no burritos in
his motel-like room (No one gets in-between me and a burrito. Big mistake.) Just
a big bed and a little love seat. Panic rushed through me, this was not the
first time I had been manipulated. I awkwardly sat as far over on the love seat
as I possibly could, looking for every excuse to leave. I thought about having
a roommate call me with an “emergency.” I was thinking of ways to make myself
sick. If I threw up or had diarrhea that would be pretty embarrassing, but then
he’d have to take me home. I would have gone to great lengths to get out of
this situation. After several advances and many firm “no’s,” I stood up and
told him to take me home. The more he argued with me, the firmer I became. It
shouldn’t have gotten to the point where I was threatening to call the police,
but it did go there.
The ride home was awkward. He was
mad and he was rude and he called me a “slut” more times than I can count. But
all I could think about was how happy I was. This is the woman my parents
raised.
My only regret was not standing up
for myself to anyone before. I could have avoided some tough situations if only
I had recognized my worth earlier. So many times I wanted to be nice. I never
wanted to offend. But some people will take advantage of your kindness and your
good heart. Protecting yourself and standing up for yourself is worth
offending. It is worth one guy thinking you’re mean and calling you names.
Because if someone tries to manipulate you, you should be mean. You can prepare
your daughter for these situations, but you cannot prepare them for the
feelings that result from these situations.
I am thankful for parents that were
open with me and showed me that I have value, even before I knew it. You cannot
give someone confidence and you cannot give someone courage, but you can give
them love. And your daughters will never forget the love lessons you gave them.
These lessons are what led me to my
husband, a man that would never treat me less than I deserve, someone who
respects who I am, and someone who has shown me Christ-like love through his
actions. And I would have never met him if I settled for a boy who puts his own
desires before my love for burritos.
